Filling the Hole - Satir's Concept of Self

Virginia Satir developed a concept of the Self which I have always found useful, especially with clients who are trying to comfort themselves in the midst of a depressive episode or while working through a difficult period in their lives.

Satir’s Mandala is an aid for self-soothing. It describes the various parts of a human being which need to be fulfilled in order for us to feel complete. If we neglect to make intelligent choices about how we fill these needs, our subconscious will seek out fulfillment itself in ways that are not usually as healthy as we would like. Below you will find a brief explanation for each section and a few examples of what would fulfill it.

Intellectual
Something which stimulates the brain, intrigues the mind.
Something which makes us think.

Examples:
Solving puzzles or mysteries
Reading a good book
Listening to a lecture or having a dialogue with someone about a topic which introduces us to new or different ideas.

If you don’t make intelligent choices about how to stimulate your mind, it will find it’s own methods for entertaining itself. One of my clients was bored at work and didn’t address it. Her brain took her to Ebay and amused itself by spending way too much money. By finding more effective ways of stimulating her mind, she eliminated her shopping habit and saved herself a lot of money.

Contextual
Our surroundings
The context in which we find ourselves, or in which we place ourselves
Our homes or offices

Examples:
Going to a beautiful park
Going to an art gallery
Painting a roomAdding scent to a room
Putting flowers in a room
Repairing something which is broken in a room
Cleaning house

Depression typically prevents people from performing a lot of cleaning duties in the home. Papers and mail pile up. Dusting and vacuuming don’t get done. Dirty dishes pile up. They also tend to isolate, closing the windows, pulling the blinds and keeping the rooms dark. This chaos and darkness creates an unpleasant Context which further depletes the already low mood of a person with depression. Opening the curtains and letting the sun shine in on a cleaned house tends to lift the mood.

Interactional
Socializing with other people

Examples:
Going out with friends or family
Going to dinner at a friend’s or a family member’s house
Attending a social function with someone else
Attending or participating in a sports event with friends
Going on a date
Going out with your spouse

Physical
Something which works out your body

Examples:
Go to the gym and workout
Go for a walk, a swim, a run, etc.
Attend a class (i.e. yoga, tai chi, etc.)
Work in the garden

Sensual
Something which stimulates the five senses: taste, touch, sight, sound, smell

Examples:
Light a scented candle (smell)
Getting a massage (touch)
Painting a room a different color (sight)
Wear clothes that are beautifully colored or a brilliantly colored tie that pleases your eyes (sight)
Playing music (sound)
Eating something delicious (taste)

Emotional
Something which stimulates your emotions or makes you feel good emotionally

Examples:
Watching a funny or sad movie
Going to a comedy club
Falling in love

Nutritional
Eating food that will stimulate your body in a healthy way. This is not the same as drinking caffeine or eating sugar for a “buzz”. What goes up must come down and both of these stimulants come with a crash when they wear off. Nutritional self-soothing is eating things that will make your body feel better naturally and in a healthy way.

Examples:
Fruit instead of candy
Protein instead of sugar
Whole wheat instead of white flour products

Spiritual
Something which nourishes your soul.
This is not necessarily something religious, but it can be.

Examples:
Meditation
Attending your church
Performing yoga
Performing any kind of ritual

Research has shown that performing repetitive rituals can be very comforting and calms the mind. This is probably why so many religions have rituals, like chanting, lighting candles, etc.

Procrastination

One of the primary methods of self-sabotage is procrastination. It is an insidious behavior that very quietly destroys the lives of people who engage in it. Procrastination is a lifestyle and people who procrastinate typically do so in all areas of their life. They are often late paying bills, arriving at appointments, and meeting deadlines. Procrastination slowly but steadily creates enormous obstacles in the paths of people who practice it, preventing them from reaching the goals they have set for themselves.

Why do we procrastinate? How do we procrastinate? How do we stop it? This series will examine all of these questions.

Self Sabotage: Stopping It - Step #3 - Do

The final step of eliminating self defeating behaviors is to do what you have not been doing. Make a point of showing up when you would normally back out. Make a point of following through with things you would have let go before.

1. Set small, doable tasks that are not overwhelming or scary. I once set a goal of laying a tile floor. The center tiles went fairly quickly, but the idea of having to rent the saw, measure and cut the tiles, and then lay them became overwhelming for some reason. I stalled for months with a half laid tile floor. I finally decided to only take as many tiles as I could carry to the store to have them cut. That was all. I could wrap my mind around that. I could do that. After I cut the first few, I decided to go ahead and lay them. I then had no trouble taking a few more to the store every few days, having them cut, and laying them. I had divided the project into a small enough segment that I could face it, and the job got done. Every little piece of a task that you successfully complete reinforces the feelings of competency and capability that you can succeed at the next task. When you accomplish a goal that you have set, subconsciously and consciously you are telling yourself that you can do it. When actions match intentions, success occurs.

2. Show up when you would normally back out. If you have a habit of making endless excuses for not paying the bills, schedule a time to pay the bills. If you have avoided applying for that job you always wanted, set you goal to turn in an application. Whatever task you set for yourself, be determined to show up and follow through. Tell yourself that it doesn’t matter whether it goes well or not. It matters that you showed up. You haven’t showed up in the past and this time you will, and that will be a victory in and of itself. Again, every success you experience makes you that much more confident that you will be able to succeed at the next task.

3. Be patient and persistent in showing up and not expecting to be perfect. We are aiming for progress, not perfection. Remember that the goal is to do something we previously never got around to. The goal is not to do it perfectly. If we merely show up and complete the task that is a success.

4. Practice patiently over time the feeling of success 15 seconds at a time the same time every day. Pairing it up with a shower, driving, a walk or something else you do regularly helps. Soon self sabotage will not feel so comfortable.

5. Face challenges. Learning to face challenges rather than avoid them will increase your confidence that you will be able to. Each time you avoid a challenge because you think you are not worthy or you are afraid, you strengthen your beliefs that you are not capable or that situations are too scary for you to overcome. Walking through the situation and coming out on the other side teaches you that you can survive. You may do it a bit clumsily at first, but the exhilaration of having overcome the challenge rather than running from it will strengthen your resolve for facing the next challenge. You will also learn skills to help you face future challenges. Sabotaging beliefs that you aren’t smart enough, strong enough or courageous enough will lose their power.

Self sabotage is an insidious behavior that sucks the energy out of our lives and our dreams. It destroys our confidence in ourselves and our ability to experience our lives in their fullest. Fortunately, self sabotaging behavior can be changed. Becoming aware of the patterns which are holding us back and working to change them will empower us to reach the goals we have set for ourselves and to pursue our dreams.

Self Sabotage: Stopping It - Step #2 - Listen

Another key to eliminating self sabotaging behaviors is making sure that your conscious and subconscious mind are in harmony. You may be able to lie to others, but you cannot lie to yourself. Most of us are aware of what is going on in our conscious minds, but our subconscious minds may be another matter. In order to overcome self sabotage we have to listen to and explore our subconscious feelings and beliefs and understand what our subconscious goals are. Once we identify the source of the destructive behavior, we can work to change it. Scheduling time to meditate, journal, or just have quiet time to relax and reflect is crucial to this step. We have to get quiet and focus before we can hear that internal dialogue that is really guiding us. It can also help to listen to the voices of family and friends who are able to observe us from afar. Be sure that their input is constructive and not just negative. Then find out what they see you doing to sabotage yourself.

Self Sabotage: Stopping It - Step #1 - Watch

The major factor in eliminating self sabotaging behaviors is being aware of them. Review the forms that self sabotage takes as many times as you need to. If something feels like it may be a method you use, it probably is. Sit back and watch your behavior. Do you catch yourself using this form of self sabotage? If you do, you have accomplished a major step in changing the behavior – seeing it. See if you can identify other ways you sabotage your success. The more you can identify self destructive behaviors, the more you can address them.

Self Sabotage: Stopping It

Now that we’ve identified some of the forms self sabotage can take (See the "How" articles in the Self Sabotage articles) we can be more aware of some of the ways we sabotage ourselves. If you’ve identified a form that you use to sabotage yourself, and you were referred to a more in depth article on that topic, start by reading that article. Learning as much as we can about the forms of sabotage that we use on ourselves can make us more aware of our own behavior, and therefore more likely to be able to change it. The question then becomes, “What can we do about it”?

Self Sabotage: How - Cognitive Distortions

Cognitive distortions are beliefs we hold that are untrue. We then act on these untrue beliefs which often causes problems. An example of a cognitive distortion would be if “Joe’s” supervisor tells him that he wants to meet with Joe at two o’clock this afternoon. Joe starts to ruminate about what his supervisor might want and decides the supervisor is going to fire him. Joe then works himself into a frenzy based on this belief and prepares a hostile statement to make to the boss based on this false belief. Joe marches into the supervisor’s office at two o’clock, fuming and prepared to tell him off, only to find out that the supervisor merely wanted to speak to him about the project on which Joe was working. It’s easy to see how Joe’s incorrect assumption could easily have cost him his job.

Look for articles on this blog about Cognitive Distortions for a more comprehensive discussion of what they are and how to address them.

Self Sabotage: How - Negative Self Talk

Everyone talks to themselves. We have a constant stream of conversation going on inside our heads. This "self talk" makes assessments about our performance when doing tasks ("I really wrote a great report!"), makes assessments of other people ("How could that driver be so careless?"), and generally comments on what happens to us during the course of the day.

It’s difficult to succeed at anything when we have a constant stream of criticisms, name calling, insults, and derogatory remarks directed at ourselves. Those of us who were raised in hypercritical families may have internalized the way they spoke to us and now speak to ourselves in the same negative, self-defeating ways. For example, "I can do anything right", "I totally flubbed that", "What's wrong with me?", "I'm such a loser", etc. If we constantly tell ourselves how stupid we are, that we will never have the confidence we need to get anywhere. If we tell ourselves that we don’t deserve anything we won’t be able to show up to apply for it or ask for it.

I will be posting more articles on this blog regarding Self Talk and how to address it.

Self Sabotage: How - Type A Personalities, Perfectionists

Type A personalities function a lot like drama queens, only they internalize their self created crises rather than externalizing them onto others. Type A personalities often create impossible deadlines and expectations for themselves then stress out about not achieving them. Perfectionists are often Type A personalities. The unreasonable demands Type As place on themselves cause stress and that stress often spills over onto others. If we are a Type A personality our obsession with meeting these impossible demands also prevents us from stepping back and seeing the big picture so we can focus on bigger goals. We miss the forest obsessing about the trees and never get where we want to in life.

Self Sabotage: How - Martyrs

Many of us spend so much time taking care of everyone else there is nothing left for ourselves; no time, no energy, nothing. A lot of us simply don’t realize that we are putting so much into everyone else at the expense of ourselves. Once brought to our attention, we will stop doing this behavior and start to take better care of ourselves. Some of us, however, are heavily invested in being perceived as suffering and sacrificing. When this is the case, we must look closely inside ourselves to see what we are gaining from such a perception. It may be a convenient excuse for avoiding success. “If only I didn’t have to take care of my sick wife, I could apply for that better job.”

Self Sabotage: How - Procrastination

Putting things off to the point that they never get done is an excellent way to sabotage our own efforts and, in my opinion, the #1 choice of self saboteurs. Procrastination allows us to pretend that we are going to get to it someday, just not today. Actually, we never get to it and it never gets done, but this way we never have to face that fact – or take responsibility for it. If this is your preferred method of sabotage, you may want to look for my posts on Procrastination, which will deal with this in more depth.

Self Sabotage: How - Drama Addicts

Creating a lot of drama in our lives allows us to be distracted from working toward concrete goals. It has the additional benefit of distracting us from the very fact that we aren’t meeting our goals or getting where we want to be. How do we create drama? We become overly impatient with people or take out frustrations on innocent bystanders. We cause unnecessary conflicts. We catastrophize minor annoyances or problems until we believe they are life altering experiences. We collect other drama addictsas friends so if we are running short of our own dramas we can always become involved in one of theirs. There are as many ways of creating drama as there are people sabotaging themselves with it. Dealing with all of these “crises” uses all our time and energy and prevents us from pursuing the really important things. It also provides a nice excuse. We simply couldn’t get to that job interview because we had a “crisis” to deal with.

Self Sabotage: How - Birds of a Feather

Those of use who self sabotage are usually drawn to other people who self sabotage. We are who we associate with. We surround ourselves with people who are negative and hypercritical. They constantly remind of us of how incompetent and unworthy we are. And they talk to themselves the same way. Surrounding ourselves with people who are going nowhere, and don’t want us to go anywhere either, will make it that much harder to fight our way out of old, destructive behaviors.

Self Sabotage: How - Abusive Relationships

Being involved in an abusive relationship takes all of our time and energy and distracts us from taking care of ourselves. All of our time and energy is used keeping the abuser happy. If self sabotage is the opposite of self care, any form of self abuse is the ultimate form of self sabotage. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, and abusive relationships all fit that bill nicely.

Self Sabotage: How - Alcohol or Drug Abuse

Abusing alcohol or drugs is an excellent way to sabotage efforts to succeed. Being drunk or high will prevent us from doing the things we need to do in order to get ahead. The hangover which occurs afterwards will also impair our ability to perform at our peak levels or meet our responsibilities.

Self Sabotage: How We Sabotage Ourselves

Most of us utilize multiple forms of self sabotage and our sabotaging behavior is typically subconscious. This is what makes it so difficult to identify. Do any of the descriptions below sound like you? Has anyone in your life accused you of doing these things? If so, you may want to focus on your behavior more carefully and see if there is truth in what they are saying. On this blog I have posted a list of ways in which we sabotage ourselves. Can you think of any others?

Self Sabotage: Causes - Lack of Imagination

Can you imagine what it would be like to succeed? If you can’t imagine what your life would be like, it may not be real for you. If it isn’t real for us, our lack of success may be a lack of belief that we can succeed. It might be that we have not clearly mapped out where we want to go. We must try to imagine how life would be different if we were successful and be sure we are clear about where we want to go and how it will be when we get there.

These are just a few of the causes behind self sabotaging behavior. Self sabotage is often unobtrusive, and self sabotaging behaviors can be disguised in multiple ways. It is important to examine our motivations and the reasons for our behavior in order to address them. Once we have identified our subconscious reasons for sabotaging ourselves, and addressed them, we need to look at how we sabotage ourselves and address those.

Self Sabotage: Causes - Avoidance of Discomfort

Some of us are easily intimidated by stressful situations. Our failure to attend that job interview, go to the gym, or attend that support group meeting may stem from the difficulties inherent in facing new and different situations. They can be really scary. And some of us defend ourselves against fear and stress by avoiding it. Working for success can also be hard and unpleasant work. We may have to work longer hours, or go to school, or take on extra work. Success often requires that we face tasks which are difficult or unpleasant. Again, many of us would rather avoid unpleasant tasks rather than overcome them. We don’t realize it leaves us stuck where we are and feeling quite badly about selves and our abilities.

Self Sabotage: Causes - Fear of Competency

Some of us fear that if we ever establish just how competent and capable we are, that some of the supports that have been there for us in our lives may disappear. People that were there for us in the past may take the attitude that we are able to “go it alone” if they find out just how able we are. Likewise, if people find out how capable we are, they may have higher expectations of what we can do – for ourselves and for them. Instead of taking care of us, they may now expect us to take care of them. Sabotaging ourselves keeps people close to us and taking care of us.

Self Sabotage: Causes - Fear of Loss

Some of us sabotage our efforts to succeed because we fear what we will lose; our friends, our family, our marriages, etc. If we succeed, jealousy or resentment may develop in some of our relationships. People who self sabotage themselves tend to surround themselves with others who sabotage themselves. If we are self sabotagers, it’s highly likely those around us are too. We may be drawn to people who need a “failure” around to make themselves feel superior. People who wish to look down on us may take off if we decide to pull ourselves up.

Success may mean that close friends will back away, or leave completely. Success might cause us to move in directions that lead away from old habits and pursuits and even old friends. We might develop interests that our old friends don’t share. If our old friends are heavily invested in self sabotaging behaviors themselves, we might even have to cultivate new friends. And that can be scary.

Success may mean that our family will disown us or that our role in our family would change. If a brother or sister has always been “the successful one” and we are the “screw up”, how would our lives change if we took on the successful role? Would we be expected to act like our sibling? And what would happen to the family dynamics? Would our family tolerate our becoming successful, or do they need to have a “screw up” in the family for some reason?

Success may cost us our marriage. Our spouses may be unable to handle our success and may leave. Or they may not want to move in the direction in which we are moving. Our partners may also be heavily invested in their own self sabotaging and may not want to look at what is holding them back.